9.9.25 - Transcript of Me Talking About Theo Von With my Girlfriend
My presentation of my unfiltered thoughts is my art form and my contribution to the internet. Today, as I was about to talk my girlfriend's ear off before cooking my lamb, I decided to just record us talking and use the transcript feature on the voice memo app to see if I could produce something interesting.
In a lot of ways, I found this to be one of my most interesting ideas on here--not just the content, but the whole delivery mechanism. This really is just me talking to my girlfriend. It's a little rough to read because all of the likes and pauses are left unedited. But I found it charming in a way. Anyways, enjoy.
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All right, I just wanna talk to you about like what I was thinking about Theo Von earlier today, okay? So, like. All right, listen. Listen. So, like… All right, wait, just, I gotta turn the volume down on the TV. I can’t think. Baby, can you hear me? All right, so… So I was like watching the thing with like him and the Amish guy, right? Are you taking FaceTime video photos of me? I don’t—why?? It’s ’cause of the pose I’m in. Oh, my arms look good. Oh, yeah, and they’re just pumped because of the creatine and the lifting recently. My dad said that too, actually. It’s funny when he was over. Anyways, anyways.
So like you know I was watching the video of like, of like him and like, uh… you know, him and the Amish guy? So he interviewed the Amish guy. And I was just watching it and like, and how he like interacted with him and like, how he calibrated like to the guy so perfectly. You know what I mean?
And then I watched the video with him and, like, the Rizzler, right? And, like, the way he was able to, like, immediately adjust and, like, act like kind and it kind of like revealed, like, him and his, like, adult sort of mentality. You know what I mean? Like, like, he was able to talk to the Rizzler. He was able to, like, be appropriate and be funny. And he was able to be so funny and like completely. And it’s almost like his skill broke an illusion I had about him, because Theo Von is kind of like a character, you know what I mean? Like, in his how he is and why he’s funny. And if I was to describe the character, it’s like that he’s kind of like… What makes Theo Von funny is that he’s, like, a little naive and a little, like, um, kind of an airhead, right? I really see him in these. Yeah. Like, Theo Von is, like, kind of like… But, like, also, you don’t get the sense it’s a character when he’s, like, says things like that are, like, sort of air-heady and… and are a little, like, dumb, for lack of a word. Like, it feels very sincere.
Like, an interview with this Joaquin Phoenix where he was like, what? How old is—what? Theo must be like 45, bro. But anyways, he’s like… But anyways, he’s like, um. He’s talking to Joaquin Phoenix, and he just talked to Joaquin Phoenix about, like, how much he likes him and his work and how much he appreciates him. Joaquin Phoenix is the thing’s like, oh gosh, man, like, you’re so sincere, that’s so weird. It’s like, so refreshing. You know what I mean? And I was like, yeah, that is—Theo Von does seem very sincere, right? And he’s so funny. Like, he is, like, just perfect delivery.
But the thing is, what breaks the—I don’t want to call it the illusion, but what sort of breaks the illusion is that, like, you know that he knows he’s funny, right? And he knows it lands, right? Like, he knows his personality, like, when he tells these stories, right? It’s not just, like, it has a feeling of something he’s just saying off the dome. But, like, he’s been doing this for years. He’s been a stand-up comic. He’s been in reality TV. He has a very successful podcast. So it is very sort of calibrated, not in a sort of like a cynical way, but in like—it’s just like how he’s developed as a person. He’s just gotten such an intuition for it, right? Like, just the timing, what makes people smile, what makes people laugh, what puts people at ease. But he—it kind of came to me when I was watching. I’m like, this guy is like, in a way, like, really, like, like, really extraordinarily smart.
Like, I think stand-up comics in general are very smart people as, like, a class. Like, you know, like, not all of them, not like, whatever’s fucking D’Elia or whatever the fuck his name is. Like, I don’t think he’s smart. But, like, you know, you watch, like, Cat Williams is actually a smart person. Louis C.K. is smart. John Mulaney is smart. You talk to these people. They have big thoughts. They have big, big ideas, guys, right? Jerry Seinfeld is smart. But, like—and the other thing is that these guys will reveal their cards, like in, like, the acts, or, like, they’ll have thoughts.
Theo Von’s character is that he doesn’t really reveal his cards, or maybe he really does make you believe that they’re not there. Like, he had this thing where he was talking about Palestine at some point recently. And you got a sense, like, this guy is just really fucking stupid and naive and dumb, right? But, like, in a very deep sense, he’s not.
So, I would say he’s one of the few, like… He’s, like, the real thing. He’s actually just funny. He knows he’s funny. But, like, with him, it’s like—it’s interesting. I think he’s—it’s like the gap isn’t there. Like, with John Mulaney, right? I’m sort of aware, and it doesn’t ruin it, but I know that he’s sort of, he’s a little bit playing himself up, and he’s telling a story. Like, he has a stage voice, and he has, like, a calm, like, CBS interview voice, right? It’s not like Theo Von has this, like, different hat he puts on, you know what I mean, when he’s, like, in a different setting. Like, he really is himself. And you really do get the sense that he’s always himself. But who he is is just so funny and so calibrated to being funny. And his intelligence is, like, very embodied in his humor in a weird way.
Like, I don’t know if he actually—you don’t get the impression that he thinks about it or reflects on it. Like, if Theo Von came out talking about why what he does is funny, I think it would sort of, like, piss me—it would ruin it. It’s like with dril. Dril lost his voice online, right? You don’t remember dril actually being—I don’t think you’re that old. You’re like three years younger than me, right? You don’t remember dril being at, like, you know—doesn’t matter. But, like, dril broke character, kind of ruined dril, right? Like, dril, yeah. Dril sort of broke the whole illusion. Because dril—dril almost acknowledged the bit, which ruined the whole thing.
So I would say that Theo Von isn’t doing a bit, because it never feels like he’s trying not to acknowledge the bit, right? It feels like he is the bit. It’s a weird thing, but it can be. Maybe it’s because I think so differently than someone like Theo Von. Like, I’m very, like, thinking about how I am and who I am perceived all the time. No, but he definitely does that, right? But I think that, like, I’m—there’s a gap between the action and the reflection and the planning, the evaluation. And I just think his gap is just smaller.
What do you think? I don’t know if Theo Von sits around talking to anybody about why his jokes land or why his humor works in the podcast setting. I don’t know. At least he’s done a very good job making me have a hard time imagining him doing that. But, you know, I had the same thought with dril at some point, but dril broke character.
When I was watching, what was interesting about the Rizzler interview especially was like, sort of Theo Von on the very edges of his character, because he couldn’t really be… But not a character. I keep saying that, but I’m like saying, like, Theo Von just fascinated me. Like…
In a sense, Joe Rogan is, like, a sort of more believable situation, because Joe Rogan doesn’t come off as—Joe Rogan is almost like the way Joe Rogan is dumb, I don’t—I never get the sense that Joe Rogan is hiding IQ points from me, right? Joe Rogan is kind of like an intuitive guy who’s, like, probably, like, on raw, like, IQ or whatever, like, processing whatever, probably a little smarter than average, but, like, he was like a fucking wrestler. He’s not like a fucking—he’s not a very deep critical thinker. He’s just sort of like a dude. And you don’t get a sense that there’s anything else. Like, you think that I think we’re getting Joe Rogan as he is, right? But that doesn’t bother—nothing about it, like, sort of like, I never doubt it.
With Theo Von, even though I don’t think there’s, like, a gap, I still think, like, this guy has to know. This guy must be hiding some IQ points from us. He’s got to be holding something back. He’s smarter than—like, he is way smarter than he’s letting on. You know what I mean? I don’t know. I don’t know. Or maybe my definition of smart is just limited, but, like, I get the sense that Theo Von is, like… Whatever I want to say, Theo Von is a lot smarter than people give him credit for. He is not an actual dumb guy. This guy is intelligent.
Like, Shane Gillis is sort of, like, a similar but very different case. Like, Shane Gillis does this thing where he’s hiding 30 IQ points from you. But you know that Shane Gillis is, like, out here, very much his bit, and he very much acknowledges the bit that he’s—he’s like, Shane Gillis is, like, playing into an aspect of his personality that’s funny, and it’s very clear that he knows. He knows that we know that he’s doing that, right? That’s the joke. He’s like, I’m a fucking big fat white idiot. Like, he’s kind of, you know, like, looks like he’d be conservative. Like, looks like kind of like a fucking doofus you knew from college. But he knows that’s why it’s funny. It’s like we’re all kind of on the same level. You know what I mean?
Shane Gillis is a different case. You’re very comfortable with Shane Gillis, because when Shane Gillis, like, in a podcast, shines his, like, extra IQ points, or whatever you want to call them, you’d definitely be like, yeah, that makes sense. Shane Gillis is a smart guy, right? Shane Gillis plays it down a little bit for the stage. But you don’t—with Theo Von, it’s like, it’s a little harder to see that, you know what I mean? Theo Von is, like, a little different. I don’t know what he’s got. I’m a little curious. He’s definitely smarter than he lets on. He might just play it closer to the chest. He might be better at playing it closer to the chest. That might be it. Or maybe he’s just smart in a way that’s alien to me. He’s smart enough to be like, what? Probably. Yeah. In a way that, like, Shane Gillis—yeah.
Like, no, you’re right. Like, Shane Gillis is a familiar archetype to me, right? Like, I get Shane Gillis. I can imagine talking to Shane Gillis. And, like, talking—I can imagine sitting down with Shane Gillis and talking about why what he does is funny, and him, like, talking about it at, like, a meta level. John Mulaney does that. Louis C.K. definitely, like, doesn’t really reveal his cards, sort of, but, like, he knows why he’s funny. And he has sophisticated conversations. It’s not that crazy, right? Louis C.K. is, like, very much a comedian’s comedian, right? Dave Chappelle—fucking, he’s explicitly done that. It’s funny, it’s part of the joke. He’s explained the structure of his jokes as a joke once. Cat Williams is a little bit different. Cat Williams is like, just—he’s putting on a show, and then when he’s calm, he’s just this psycho fucking—he’s like a genius, but he’s also like a fucking schizophrenic. I don’t know.
I get all of them. Theo Von is just the most—it sits a little bit uneasily in my ability to model other people’s minds, right? His brand of smart is very interesting to me. It’s a brand of smart I don’t have. It’s like, he can sit with anyone and make them feel so comfortable. He can make them feel so at ease, he can make everyone sort of play a character or like a bit while feeling sincere while he does it. Like, what a magic trick, you know what I mean?
Like, Theo Von should be, like, the guy who’s, like, the late show, right? Fuck Stephen Colbert. It should be like Theo Von. Theo Von should be like Jay Leno, you know what I mean? Like, like, these, like, Jimmy Kimmel and, like, all the people have no talent. You know, none of these guys have any fucking talent. Conan is good. Conan is real good. Conan is another sort of showman sort of guy. He’s like a more old-school sort of—I don’t know if he’s old school, but, like, he’s like a—he’s a show-bizzy comedian who’s like, he is the late-night show host. That’s very much who he is. He’s that more than he is a comedian.
Colbert is interesting, because Colbert used to be this guy who, like, you know, is funny. But Stephen Colbert used to be basically like a Sacha Baron Cohen character, right? Where Stephen Colbert really was in the bit all the time, or a character. The character was Stephen Colbert. I don’t know if you remember this, because we were very young. I was retarded, so I used to watch TV with my dad. Stephen Colbert used to play a character called Stephen Colbert, right? And the joke was that, like—I don’t even know, there was, like, a setup for it. Stephen Colbert was, like, a different fucking guy than Stephen. There’s like—it’s like an in-universe explanation. It was like there was a different guy named Stephen Colbert, right? That was like this right-wing pundit.
Anyways, it doesn’t matter. I’ll explain it. It’s very much like a… And other shows used to play along with it. Like, the way shows play along with Kermit being a real person. Like, you know Kermit can show up on, like, a night show, and they’ll treat him like a guy. Stephen Colbert’s character, Stephen Colbert, used to show up on other shows, and they’d talk to him like the character. Now Stephen Colbert’s a fucking hack. So it shows you how far you can fall. I don’t think Stephen Colbert can pull it off. I don’t think Stephen Colbert is funny anymore. Stephen Colbert is basically a fucking New York Times-reading NPR liberal, just fucking, like, state-media mouthpiece. Like, just not funny at all. But he used to be somebody.
But, you know, Theo Von’s got talent. But maybe, like, at some point, he kind of—he’s just in his magic-trick phase right now. I don’t know. I don’t think it can last forever. I don’t think—like, dril couldn’t last forever. Sorry, I could—I actually hung up, but to conclude, the dril couldn’t last forever. Stephen Colbert couldn’t last forever. I think the whole Muppets illusion is still sort of, like, we’re still kind of in a fine place with that, right? But, like, I don’t know if this Theo Von illusion will last forever, unless it’s really not an illusion. Maybe this is who he is. Who’s to say? Who knows, what does it even mean? What does it even mean, who he really is? I don’t know.
But he—I think about him a lot. I think about Theo Von quite a bit. That’s all I have to say about that.
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